Things I don't understand.

During dinner tonight, I left a hint about dating guys and going on dates and boyfriends. I wonder how my mom don't even seem interested in the topic. She just brushed it off so casually.

Actually, many times, I tried using other people as examples like how they have breakups and boyfriends and such, but she just thinks that dating is reductant and it doesn't exist in my life. I've dated before, and she knew that once, and she didn't react too positively about it because she thought I was too young to be dating boys. So, I don't share such information with her. It's only natural since... her reactions are really... scary.

But now, I think I'm entitled to date. Okay, who talks like this anyway? I think I'm at an appropriate age to date. Kinda. And I don't feel like doing it behind her back. Or my parent's backs. Apparently, dad doesn't react well to me dating too. Is this a thing of being an only child? Gosh.

It's tiring to always need to come up with excuses to go out, or go home late, or randomly spend money, or receive gifts or buy gifts. The list goes on. It's just... can't we all be civilised people and let me enjoy a little dating freedom? It's like my mom thinks I'm destined to be forever alone, and I don't date, I'm not interested in guys, guys are not interested in me either and whatever.

Not once did she ask me about guys related stuff. They're just banned from my life. When I say I made new male friends, she would ask why and said that I'm better off making female friends. I'm just like, why not? Male friends are people, female friends are people, why can't I become friends with people? Ridiculous.

It's not like I can marry females when I'm not even les.

And then she will start to regret her choices when I reached the marriage age and can't even find a single boyfriend, or potential boyfriend, or even a close guy friend. Yeah, ain't got no time for regrets yo. I just don't understand!

Conservative. Too conservative.

Leads me to another issue. I think my mom has problems. Maybe.
She thinks I don't get rid of unslightly hair or what.. I don't know what she's thinking. Everytime I wore sleeveless clothes, she will put on a weird expression and tell me not to lift up my arms. I'm pretty speechless. I shaved okay? I waxed okay? There's nothing there okay? Gosh. Do I need to get a IPL treatment too? I feel like banging my head on the wall. Why would I even wear sleeveless shirts when I didn't shave? Gosh. Goshhhhh.

Too narrow minded.
Explains why there're many things I can't voice out. I've got problems haunting me that I can't tell anyone except some. Maybe they'll understand and help me. I don't even need the solution or the help, I just need some assurance and support. But NO. BIG FAT NO. NARROW MINDED. Doesn't understand. Everything that happened is my fault. I caused it. Wallow in my own despair. FINE. I WILL DEAL WITH IT MYSELF. Damnnit.

When will the day come when I can express my feelings and say how I truly feel? I'm not always happy, although I try to be. I have more problems than I lead on and I don't know how to deal with it. Alright, so I've ignored it and pretend it doesn't exist for almost half my life. There's only so much to pretense right? Damnit.

Allow me to be extremely negative and selfish and stupid with no ounce of maturity for once. Most of my problems will be solved if my dad wakes up from his fantasy world, and when my mom opens up her mind a little more.

.............

Age is only but a number.
We're all children.

Good night.