Just me, living like myself.

It's midnight.
Is this the time where you have those really troubled thoughts? It's usually like this for people who can't sleep early at night right? You don't party it away. You just sit there and think about what's going on with your life. And how pathetic you are.

That's happening right now, to me. (Listening to Little Mix. Oh yeah~ They're so good.)
I once said, this blog lets me rant, if not, I'll just get depression on day. Well, I guess I need a counsellor too. I need real advise, just ranting is sometimes not enough. I think I might have minor depression. I heard that all people who are interested in music, are a little depressed inside. Because music is a healing element by itself. It seems quite true. If not, how do composers write ballads and love songs? They're all depressed. Hahaha. What am I saying.

So, I am pretty troubled. And... the culprit is none other than... drum roll... parents. No, they don't abuse me or starve me. Just.. the mental stress of dealing with them is... Harvard standard tough. My dad is a typical Singaporean. By that, I meant all sorts of bad habits a lot of Singaporean uncles have. Gambling. First off, my family used to be well off. But now we're not. (I think we're poor as hell now. Not that poor, but also not enough to be considered surviving pretty well in my standards.) My dad gambles like he's the richest man on Earth. He can spend a few hundred dollars on horse racing (I don't see the fun in horse racing). I mean, come one, the stupid horse can run at whatever speed it wants right? There's no point betting on them. They're just horses!They probably don't even know why they're running. Urgh. My concept is- No money, don't gamble. You can't bloody hell feed yourself, so don't go feed your bad habits.

Why is my dad spending excessvie money my concern? Oh yes, it's because he claimed that he doesn't have enough money for my studies! Okay, it's my education, my problem. But hey, you're the dad. You're supposed to be responsible for me. I can't pay for tuition fees by working part time right? You have to pay first. Then I'll pay you back next time. But.. /sarcastic laughter. He told me straight off, he doesn't have enough. Well, then what? Don't study anymore?  I don't know what he's thinking. In my eyes, he's just becoming plain selfish. (Yes yes, judge me. I know he raised me. But you don't know the behind story.) He rather gamble his money away than use it on my education. And then, he wishes to retire. This is the funniest joke I've ever heard. He's no millionaire or very old. Why the hell is he retiring for? To enjoy the good old retirement days? With no money? JOKE OF THE YEAR. Selfish is all I can think of. And I can bet my life on this- Once he retires, the only thing he will do is to gamble. I ain't even gonna be surprised if one day I'll have loan sharks knocking on my door or the bank confiscating my house. Ain't even surprised anymore.

Dad used to be cool. He changed a lot. It changed my family's dynamics. I still hated his so-called friend who made him lose his factory. I hate him for ruining my life indirectly. I hate him for being selfish. I hate him for turning my dad into this person now. He's a coward now. That friend shall not be forgiven and I don't want to ever see him. (Because I will set him on fire.)

I had a hard time growing up. Money was an issue. But it is still plenty to get by. The emotional stress caused is not a joke. I'm surprised I'm still smiling. Maybe I know better that's why I laugh at every single little thing. Laughter is a cure for everything negative right? I should laugh more.

My parents quarrel too much. I hate to heard them quarrel. I mean, who likes it right? It's rather hurtful although it's none of my business. All couples quarrel. When I was younger, I had thoughts of telling them to divorce. Because I thought that I'll be happier. That was a kiddy thought.

For my whole life, I've never been on a holiday with my dad. Not on a plane once together. No going overseas with him. I don't know. Maybe he has always been this selfish ever since he was born. Because it runs in his genes. I honestly don't like his side of the family very much. I don't belong with them anyway. It doesn't matter. So people click and some don't, it's pretty normal.

We stopped going out for weekly dinners since 2008. We basically stopped going out as a family and we stopped eating together as a family. It's a joke. Really. It was sad in the beginning. But as time past, it's just normal. I'm numb to it already. I'll just take it that dad doesn't like eating outside anymore. People changed, it's common in humans.

I guess, in Singapore, where dynamics change fast, people change even faster.

Now, to my mom. Oh, she's absolutely awesome. She's the one that's raising me ever since Dad stopped being a dad. She's taking care of me so much, it's getting insufferable. I'm complaining because I'm not the only one who thinks it's insufferable. Everyone thinks that way and she's the only one who still doesn't see it. Because she only sees herself. (Why does this sound like a selfish case too? Are humans just born selfish or what?)

Nagging is common in all mothers. All mothers nag. It's normal. But excessive nagging is just... no. Some things are... there's no need to nag over it. I've become a joke just because she keeps telling me to drink water. In front of my relatives, my friends, everyone. So I just grew up with everyone making a joke out of me and telling me to drink water. Mimicking my mom's tone. Funny, I agree. But annoying sometimes, when it's repeated for my whole life. The joke gets old and then it's not funny anymore. But now, it's hilarious to me, because she does things that are more insufferable now. That joke, is a joke itself when I compare. That's how bad it is. (Reminder: I'm 20 this year. I don't need anyone to remind me that I need water to hydrate myself.)

She controls my sleeping time. Every night, it's the same old thing. This didn't happen in the past. It only started this year. Is this a sign of menopause? Or did she actually think that I'm ageing backwards? I have a bloody sleeping curfew now! I have to be asleep by 11pm! Damn. I didn't sleep so early when I was in secondary school! I'm not saying that it's a bad nag. I mean, yeah, it's really controlling but sleeping early is good for health. But... I really don't need a sleeping curfew. When I can't sleep, I just can't. There's no point in lying down and staring into the dark. I'm wasting my life. I rather be sitting somewhere reading or writing some stuff. Pretty useful don't you think? And then, as if telling me what time to sleep isn't enough, she goes on to tell me to brush my teeth! I'm not three! I know I have to brush my teeth before I sleep! In fact, I take care of my teeth seriously! So, why? (I feel like crying already.) I have no idea why she always yells at me to go brush my teeth... Maybe it's more auspicious to brush at certain timings. I keep telling myself that. Ain't fooling no one.

This will go on forever I swear. There're just so many ridiculous things my mom does. I can't even...

Oh. She doesn't listen. To anyone. At all. She only does things her own way and listen to herself. I think that this is the root of all issues I have with her. If only she listen right? I keep telling myself that too, but one can only dream. Maybe the problem with speakers is that they never do listen. My mom is a true speaker. She can go on for hours. It's really... noisy.

She doesn't listen to me. At all. Even when I'm pleading for her to listen. She just wants to say her piece of mind and leave. It has always been this way. So everytime we quarrel or reason things out, I'm at the losing end. When she talks, I have to be quiet and reply her questions. But when I talk, wow, interruptions, denied questions and more scoldings. I guess she'll never listen to what I have to say. Be it verbal, expressions or body language. None. I'll just keep dreaming my fat dream. It's not that hard to listen, you just have to shut up. Simple.

Let's not mention the others things she does. It's getting really depressing now.  I'll just take it that I'm a joke and a chess piece for her to play around with. No feelings involved.

My graduation, honestly speaking, was a major disappointment. I already said, I was so glad that my cousin was with me. But my mom, maybe no. I was regretting a little for inviting her, but I would just be labelled as unfifial if I didn't. So, yeah, I did and I kinda regretted it. Graduation is supposed to be happy and all rainbows. Because you go through all that shit to get a certificate and a hand shake from... I don't even know who the man is. The principal or something? Then, you go eat some refreshments and mingle with your friends a little.

Well, that was all done. And then... shit happened. I had trouble finding most of my friends. I couldn't take pictures with all of them. And my tutors appeared only later on, so I didn't get a picture with any of them. It was sad. I wanted a few pictures for memory sake. But, yeah. My mom happened.

I don't know why she was so in a hurry to go off. She just made me eat horrible refreshment food, I couldn't even bring them to try out the student café which I've already told her the night before that I would bring them to go try because they have nice pastry. No, forgotten.

When I was taking pictures and trying to find my friends, she kept telling me to go return my robe. Go see the graduation picture. Go get my card. Go buy the picture. Go return the robe. Come, let's go already. I'm just speechless at the whole situation. This is my graduation, don't I at least get to take a few pictures and mingle a little? It's such a rare gathering. Well, fat hope once again. I had to rush.
So, I seriously took one picture with each of my friends, returned my robe, took my card, bought the picture frame and left. The more angry thing was, when I actually went to return the robe, she asked me "You don't want to stay longer? I thought you wanted to take pictures" Is she really saying that now? Is she toying with me? Who was the one who wanted to leave? I really felt like I got played.

She never did realised that I was wearing a pokerface. Couldn't even bring myself to smile. And it's supposed to be joyous. Well, never mind. Can't find the strength in me to be sad. What am I supposed to feel anyway? Then, what was more ridiculous? I finally told her how I felt today and she just replied that she didn't know. She said that I should have told her. Imagine my face when I heard that.

It was all "What? You don't know?! How can you not know? It was written all over my face!" I thought it was something you don't have to say it out loud. Expressions, body language. If you're frowning, you're probably not happy. If you're smiling, you're happy. Okay, so maybe a pokerface is hard to tell, but it's not that hard right? I'm your daughter, you've known me for my whole life. I happily gave you tickets to my graduation, then I wore a pokerface around. Isn't it obvious something is wrong? Alright. Case closed. I can literally murder people if this goes on.

Disappointment is such a norm now that I don't even feel much. Just a little of annoyance, a little of sadness and a little pathetic. I have to just deal with it.
I can't type anymore. Not if she doesn't see what I have to say. There's no point. I just want her to stop meddling in things that aren't necessary and just shut up for once to listen. That's all.
(I never liked myself but I don't know where my confidence came from.)

Trecia has overwhelming mental stress,
she needs a break,
and she is glad she doesn't have silblings.

Good night everyone.

 

Feelings.

Hi there,

Tonight, I'm here to talk about certain stuff regarding friendship.
This is not random because I've encountered this dilemma in my friendship with someone and I don't know how to solve it. Or do anything about it. Since some issues are kinda touchy and sensitive.

First off, friendship, according to my beliefs, is based on mutual trust and understanding. Almost like a relationship. But not so imtimate, physically. Both have emotional roller coaster rides and it depends on how you deal with it. For me, I'm pretty slack on matters like this. I let many things slide past and I'm not sensitive in such stuff. Maybe a little sentimental sometimes, but definitely not sensitive. I do reminisce on past friendships and maybe relationships and wonder why they didn't work out. But then again, if they do work out, perhaps I won't be meeting more awesome people in my life. It's kinda like fate, my close friend told me. It's all about fate and timing. I do agree, to a certain extent. It's true.

Not having enough trust in a friendship is just like... I can't think of any anology that makes sense. But if there's no trust, it's just sad isn't it? And this is the exact problem that keeps happening. I don't know what to think. Maybe it's sensitivity, a joke or simply lack of trust. We're all friends and we do things together. Be it altogether or separated. No one is supposed to feel left out. Because it works both ways. Sometimes, A hangs out with B more. Sometimes B talks to C more. It's all natural. We can't keep making excuses for ourselves.

Effort need to be made in order to keep in touch. To maintain this friendship. To continue creating episodes. If no one makes a move, then everything will be at a standstill. Time will not still though. Which means we will move forward and those who don't keep up will automatically be lagging behind. It is cruel. But hey, this is real life.

Although I say this, I don't want anyone to be left behind. Cause it's horrible.  At least I know that much. But if I keep making efforts that are ultimately going to be denied, then maybe one day, I will stop making such efforts. It is tiring to know that you're not being appreciated. And I absolutely hate being guilt tripped. I do feel sorry, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm at fault. At least I tried. I did try, didn't I? People gave up trying because they start to think it's pointless. Please don't make me think that way. I don't want to... do such things. It ain't nice.

You have to make an effort and not wait for others.
No one is at fault. So don't make it anyone's fault.

Trecia is having a slight fever & it doesn't feel good,
have an early night everyone.
Night.

A picture from my graduation ceremony:
I'm out of college!
Which is the same as graduating from 12th grade in the states. (Two years later)
Singapore's education system is really too tedious and long winded.

A perfect day ruined.

Hey peeps,

Let's talk about previous stuff before I go into today. It started perfectly, but towards the night, shit happened and I hated today. BEFORE THIS.

I overslept that morning because I had a nightmare. It must be me watching too much SAW series. My dream is exactly like SAW. Lucky I wasn't a participant inside. Or else I'll just freak out so bad.
Everyone was dying and there's fire everywhere. And you have to play games. Totally sick. And there's human eating pink bunnies chasing after me. Why am I still alive?

Then the scene changed. We all were lining up for some sort of assessment. If we don't find a partner by the time we get to the front, we're out or something. For uncertain reasons. Chanyeol, Sehun and Baekhyun were punished to stand under the sun. Whatever they have done wrong. I didn't know Chen was behind me. But when I do, it's too late. It's the kind of situation where the guy chooses the girl and they have no say. I rejected him though, cause I had a tag and without asking me, he just took the tag and wrote his name there. Like claiming his stake. So angry. It's supposed to be something like a contract. We have to pretend to be married until the game ends.

I wanted to fight him to get my tag but he backhugged me since he was sitting behind me. And asked me to cooperate. Of course I didn't. Which made him angry and he actually pushed my head to the ground, sort of like forcing me to surrender to him. It wasn't pretty. Then there's this magical floating number beside me. 7%. I looked at other girls and they only have 0.7%, 0.03% etc. So confused.

Chen then said it was some dominance percentage thing. Fair enough. I think I accepted him in the end since he lay on my lap and I patted his head. And he kept apologising cause one of the boys being punished was supposed to be my partner. But they were out of the game for a while cause... punishment. He was saving me, in a way.

I woke up, confused as hell, and realised I overslept.

I watched maleficient today. It's a pretty nice show. Angelina Jolie is way too cool to be human. And the visual effects are awesome. Throughout the show, I was just "humans, tsk tsk tsk". Human greed and all that nonsense. HUMANS.

Well, the sad part of today. Let's just say... I haven't cried for ages and it's good that I cried, if not I think I'll have depression soon. I did some angry dancing and angry singing too. Now, I feel much better. I'm gonna do some angry eating later. I have banana swisscake. Which is famous from Woodlands or something. (shrugs) And rice dumpling. I think I'm skinny, but I'm sporting a double chin recently. (or all the time). Maybe my jaw isn't prominent enough? Or my neck is too fat? Ah, whatever. Eat first, worry later.

My eyes hurt too. Crying makes me sleepy. What I need now is a warm body to cuddle. But no... I'm just doing... angry typing. Sigh. Sad life of Trecia. What more can I say?
Oh. I'm sporting abs line recently. From doing nothing. Am I awesome or what? (laughs)
I better stop digressing here and there cause I sound mental. Alright, I will stop now.

Trecia is off to eat some cake,
till next time,
bye.

Watch maleficient if you haven't!

Regular Angst Day.

I'm supposed to update a few days ago but I was busy. I actually typed something but it's all in bullet points and they don't really make sense. So, here I am tonight! Ready to type up something.
Currently listening to Pirates of the Caribbean Medley. It's so exciting. I feel hyped up just by listening to it. Come fight me yo~! Hah, kidding. I'll lose.

Today was a rather warm, boring and angst day. My granny was so angst I wanna jump off the building. And it doesn't help that her house is so dark and gloomy. How does one live like that? I realy wonder. I'm practicing the piano these few days. Maybe my posture is wrong cause my wrist hurt. Or maybe I just used too much strength.

I watched Xmen too. It's a really nice show with cool effects and characters. The story is there to screw your brains up, but if you follow carefully, it'll be fine. I promise.
I attended my graduation ceremony too. (obviously) And I'm glad my mom and cousin went. Actually, I'm pretty damn happy that my cousin went because she was like a support for me when my mom was being... her usual self. I didn't take many pictures with my friends or rather, any pictures with my tutors. Because they appeared late and I had to go. But well, never mind. If there's fate, we'll certainly meet again.
My new LG phone works fine for now. I have no complains. The only thing I can say is, well, you need to pay to get good stuff.  

I'm on a dreams spree right now because I have dreams everynight. Those that I can remember will go here while those that are forgotten... remains forgotten.

No idea why all my dreams involved members of exo. Maybe I secretly like them after all. So much for being a neutral party. (I popped a pimple on my back. It hurts so much!)

The first dream a few nights ago, Baekhyun appeared. In my school. In my school band. As my senior. How cool is that. He plays the saxophone, which is cool cause he doesn't know how to play that in real life. I bet. I don't really know. And we're apparently good friends cause we're both in the school band. He looks... just like predebut? Just a little better looking than those photos with him making funny faces. Yeah. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if he was Baekhyun. I mean, he really looks like the boy and I call him Baekhyun. So, he must be him right?

Confusing much?

The second dream involves Luhan and Kris. This dream is frustrating cause there's a love triangle going on and all three of us are retarded. It goes like this:
Both of them hitched a ride in our van (my friends and I). I think we were all friends. Luhan was sitting beside me, talking nonstop. I was trying to get Kris to be a little more responsive to me. (He's riding shotgun) Luhan continued blabbering. Kris responded to the driver (my close friend) but he refused to speak to me. Fine, so I spoke to Luhan. Then he interrupted us and started talking. I don't know what happened but I remembered being in a scary elevator and eating takeouts. Then, we dropped them off at this... village looking neighbourhood. The end. I haven't settle things with Kris yet. (Or punch him) 

Anyway, exo planet is coming to Singapore and I don't know if I should go. Kris is not around (sadly) and the tickets are going to be expensive. And I don't want to see screaming girls with weird and lewd banners. And I dont really want to see people my age, Kai&Sehun especially, even Tao or D.O  trying to seduce girls who are probably still in middle school. They(the fans) are too young for this kind of stuff. Really.
Yeah. Fine. I'm not going after all. These thoughts make me uneasy.

Have a good night everyone,
Trecia's gonna do some online shopping. Maybe.
Bye.