Dear self,

Today was a frustrating day.
It started off with a messy bun which I had to tie two times. And I only ate a slice of bread cause I was in a hurry. I missed the earlier bus so I had to rush even more. Luckily, I passed my grooming test. 

It all went well until the plate clearing session came in. Well.. Yeah. I couldn't lift the plate. And the instructors were of no help. I knew how to place the plates and balance, but I just couldn't lift even the base plate. Which is so frustrating. And then.. things happened. 

And I realized how humans really are. Because it's such a competitive and fast-paced country, those that are slower are left behind. Naturally, those who are better, benefit. I'm not blaming anyone for my inability to lift the plates. I'm just disappointed, just a tiny bit, for the fact that self-centeredness was so much on display, irregardless intentional or not. I'm thankful that instructors want to help me. At the same time, just because of tiny insignificant issues that made an imprint, I was left feeling so lousy. Maybe it was the other party ignorance or maybe it was just the situation. But either way, it was not a good feeling. I didn't show my displeasure too. For the fact that it wouldn't be understandable. Perhaps I was being too sensitive and emotional after not being able to do such a simple task that everyone managed to. Or maybe, it was something that I have tolerated for a long time. 

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But it really depends on the situation and timing is very important. If it was done at a wrong timing, it can really be insulting. I mean.. Yeah. You're bragging to me. Did you consider how I felt at the point when I just told you the problem and you disregarded it? Perhaps, it was ignorance and not being observant. I hate to show my weakness to anyone. But when I show it, perhaps my optimism level was really low already. The least one could have done is just a little advise or not saying anything at all. It could be good enough. But, no. 

I don't know actually.. Is that why people get angry at the insensitiveness and ignorance. It could be possible. Not many can understand and tolerate such behaviour anyway. By doing such things, you could have been judged already. I'm not saying it in a bad way.. Like it's a taboo or anything. I just thought that it wouldn't be a good thing to do to someone. I know I'm being too indirect in my words and reading this would be a chore, but it's my own reflection time. No one has to understand this but me. 

Maybe I have also been tolerating unintentional harmful things done to me. But I have a poor memory, so I forget easily. But everytime the feeling comes, I know it's the same feeling, and it would naturally come back to me that this is done to me before. And maybe, I'll remember. So it's quite terrible in the end. I think I have always been quite a forgivable person and I forget quickly. (Unless I want to tease you or it's really a major thing). I hate arguing with others. Wasting saliva, time and voice. But sometimes.. I appear not to care simply because I do not want to. If I do, I will probably get mad and then start to think about things and then it wouldn't be so pretty anymore. This is so tiring.

Also, stress level is going up these days. I hate dealing with quarrels and childish matters. Those should be done amongst the parties themselves. I do not wish to be involved. Because it's so frustrating when both sides do not cooperate. And what do I actually gain from it? A major headache is highly possible. Why go through the trouble and then the problem remains unresolved? Am I so free? 

Ahh breaking point is near. Everything is all clumped together and mixing around like wires and I'm the one who getting the finalized product. Not pretty at all. I don't have a sanctuary anymore. There's no place for me to stop and think or relax or leave my guards down. I definitely will break down. The happiest people are the ones who are most troubled and depressed. It seems true. Maybe many people think my life is wonderful and carefree with me doing whatever I want most of the time just cause I smile and laugh everyday. Oh please, what a lie. To pass each day, you have to tell yourself you're gonna be happy. Just to survive, you got to pretend you're made of iron and you will never break. If you manage well, maybe you'll succeed. If not, you will just crumble down to pieces and see who will pick it up for you. Yes, you just wait.

Home- was never so bothersome to return to. Welcomed was never an existent feeling.  You have to be on your guard. One mistake and you're going down. It's like a battle war. If you show your weakness. you're left on your own. Even if you're strong and mighty, you still have to fend for yourself. No one will help you and there is no shield for the bullets coming your way. You either die or get injured. Hopelessness and frustration is what you feel most of the time. Because you're left on your own. If you are injured and seek help, the helping hand will never be there. Instead, he will be guarding the entrance to the first aid center, preventing anyone from going in. And he will defend himself first. This, I do not understand. What logic is there? 

In the end, you just have to ignore the pain and hope for time to heal it. Because time heals everything. You will just need to wait for time. But sometimes, time never does comes. Instead, it just passes. And so you forget. And you thought you were healed already. Internally, deep down to your bones, you're still suffering from after effects.

Too much angsty  Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't meant for this post to come out this way. It just happened. My thoughts are all over the place and.. emotionally I'm exhausted. If I am not given a break soon, I will go crazy. I don't appreciate getting shouted at when I'm already so tired. It only makes me cranky. 

Anyway, advise of the day:
If you do not have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. 

-Emotionally unstable lady