Rants.

Hey I'm back for another round of ranting.
I don't normally rant so much in a month, but it seems like stress caught up and I can't just brush it off and pretend nothing happened.

I might be sensitive over certain words, even meaningless things that people blabber unknowingly, but there is a saying- Words mean something, even if they're just useless blabbers. If they don't think that way, they wouldn't have said it. So, there's still some truth in it.

Yes yes. Whatever nonsense I'm going to write... is probably the same old things that I'm stress about most of the time. Can't I just get an instant relief already? There's a limitation to tolerance, you know.

I actually forgot half the things I've originally wanted to rant about. I don't know why my thoughts are more organised in the shower. But never mind...

So, my mom asked me- "Have you ever thought that there're still a lot of things that you haven't tried out/experienced yet?" In such a serious tone, I thought I was getting lucky suddenly. Wow, why is my mom concerned about my experiences in life? Does she think that I'm living too casually and wants a change? So happy at the chance to express myself, I jumped in and said yes.

And then, the bomb came. "So, you want to try washing your own clothes? Other people your age are already doing that. My cousin goes to work everyday and still comes home to wash her own clothes and wash the floor and do housework." The nag goes on.

Can I just simply say that my hopes were crushed?
I don't know about other people, but washing clothes and doing housework are certainly not part of my plans in the 'Things-to-do-before-I-die list'. Certainly not. Ever will be.

I mean, okay, I'm not exactly the most responsible or hardworking girl on Earth when it comes to household chores, but hey! Which sane 20 year old will want to include washing clothes as something they want to experience? COME ON. LOGIC PLEASE.

I was thinking of something along the lines of travelling the world, bungee jumping etc. You know things like this, sane 20 year olds who are about to venture into the actual world, will confirm think about. Household chores? Hmm. I think it's not too late if I start thinking about it when I get menopause. Yeah, not too late at all.

See my frustration? I don't know why my mom thinks it's normal to set doing household chores as a goal in life. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS OUT THERE THAN TO BECOME A SLAVE OR WASHING MACHINE. SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE CLEANING TO THE WASHING MACHINE. IT'S A WASHING MACHINE FOR A REASON. YO, MOM.

Well...  I should just stop thinking about this right? It's silly. Very very silly over something like this. Then again, if you're not in my position, you won't understand my concerns.

And I also do not understand why my mom wants me to wash clothes but absolutely refuses to let me cook. Hey, yo, look here. Cooking is more important right? So you won't starve to death. You won't die from dirty clothes piling up. At most, you just don't have clean clothes or underwear to wear. That's all.

Hey, but no. Cooking is dangerous. I might set the house on fire. Okay? So, I'm old enough to wash my own clothes but not to cook. I see the logic there. Totally. I can't drown myself in detergent while washing clothes right?

Honestly, I like cooking. It gives you the satisfaction of tasting your own creation. People who cook should understand this very well. But no. Cooking is dangerous. I will set the house on fire and the whole block. Everyone will die! I totally understand the worry. TOTALLY.

My parents don't know how to take care of the house. They think that washing the dishes, windows and floor is considered taking care. They're so wrong.

Frustrated.

I also don't know why the hell my parents are rushing me to apply for my uni program. You can't even give me a definite answer whether you have the capability to pay for the school fees and you want me to just go and study there? What if we run out of money? We loan from the bank? Or  I sell my organs on the bloack market? Huh? Seriously. Adults are just. Just so. Hmm. And the point is, I do know you don't have the capability to pay up. For the whole two years. What can I say huh?
I have no rights in the house anyway. I should just cook and let it burn.

People always say, you shouldn't be with people who brings you down. It's not good for you. They will demotivate you so that you won't see the potential in yourself and then you won't be able to perform to your best. It's not looking down tho, it's a different kind.

Again. My mom. She. Umm. Well... isn't good for me. Quite honestly.
She never fails to make me feel like a useless piece of thing that doesn't deserve any praise or whatever. She blocks my potential. Completely. Since I was young and obedient and stupid.

When I was way younger, in primary school, I liked performing a lot. I joined CCAs like choir, band and even this skipping club which often have special performances on stage. I was a shy kid but I like the feeling of being on stage. It makes me feel special.

I asked to join a dance class. I got enrolled, not into the hip hop class that I wanted, but a Chinese dance class which was an absolute waste of time. All we did was stretch. Which till now, I can't do a proper split. So great.

I tried asking for the same thing few years later. But no. Mom said I didn't have the time (studies and more studies) and dance is only an option. Not important. Fine. So be it. I wanted to join dance in secondary but I had an operation not long ago and I was taken out even before I could do the tryouts. Life is unfair.

I like dancing. It makes me happy. And unnecessarily confident.

I joined band because I like music. When the whole band plays a song together and it actually sounds good, you get satisfied. Like wow, how can 40 people play in harmony together? It brings people together when we play. It's like, there's no differences between instruments, everyone sound good and the time spent is worth it. I'm sure everyone felt that way. I used to loath going to practice because it's a burden and it lasts too long. But after every performance, I feel like I can burst. Feelin like 'Wow. We did it. Practice paid off. Finally.'  And everyone look good in the uniform too. Bonus.

Apart from the clarinet, I can safely say that I'm not good at any other instruments. I learnt piano when I was 4/5 but I stopped when I moved to Singapore. Can I just say that Singapore ruined my life? Hah. We couldn't afford a piano in our house, my parents said. I call bullshit, I own an electric piano right now, your arguments are invalid. Playing by ear and learning from tutorials takes a lot of time, but I'll find a way out.

Because I was young and I didn't know how to fight for my rights, many opportunities were lost. I could have been a grade 5 or 6 like my cousins if I've continued learning. But no, I stopped at grade 1. Sad reality. What the hell is grade one man? I can't even play smoothly without thinking where to place my fingers next. Damn.

I guess I just like performing or things that are music related. I wanted to learn the drums. Mom said no, it's a boys thing. Fine. I didn't get to learn my drums. But I went over to my friend's house and tried it out before. Let's just say that I can read the score and play a simple bar. Imagine if I actually went for lessons. I just made myself depressed.

Then, I wanted to get a flute. But, of course, no. Because I've only tried it once. During band practice. With my friend's flute. Secretly. It wasn't hard but I still have a lot to learn. Mom said no. I'm just wanting to learn on impulse. Well, let me tell you, it wasn't an impulse. I get sad when I see people playing the flute because that should be me too. I guess kids don't have a lot of say in life huh? All you have to do is just study and get good results.

I wanted to learn how to play a guitar too. But honestly, out of all the instruments that I've tried, guitar is the hardest for me. My fingers hurt too much and I'm not coordinated enough to strum properly. But I got a guitar. I don't know. Why do I get to do things my way when it's the wrong choice? Such an irony really. What should I do?

This is why till now, I haven't mastered anything. Who can I blame it on? I'm keen to learn but denied the chance to. Now that I can make my own choices, I don't have time or extra cash. Can I blame someone for this? I'll seriously go crazy.

Since I get a choice, I'm learning dance my own way. Through videos. Just mimicking dancers' moves. Not the real thing but close enough. Memorising steps and going through tutorials one by one. I still can't do a full split (although I get really really close on good days) and I don't know how to moonwalk or do a proper arm wave or do popping or locking or whatever dance terms exist out there. But I'm learning. Although I don't have the space to do so. I mostly just dance in my room. Like a pathetic closet dancer. Well, I'm not a very good dancer, but I'm not bad. I memorise dance steps fast.

What was my point again? Why am I suddenly bragging away?
Ah, yes. People blocking my potential and choices in life. Yes. Yes.

I ought to keep away. But you can never escape your own family right?

Waves of tsunami depression heading your way.

Anyway, saying so much. It's not like anything will chance if I don't do anything.
But what can I do?
Run away?
Seriously. There is no solution to this. Talking doesn't work since no one listens.
Leaving is the only way I can think of. But it's also an act of cowardice.
Nothing can be done isn't it?
So, I'm just ranting away.
Tomorrow, I'll still be thinking the same thoughts.
Wondering what the hell I've been doing.
Wishing for an escape from this endless nonsense in life.

Because I only live as Trecia once, I need to make the most out of this life.
What is this man.
People have mid-life crisis.
I have this new disease called 'old-enough-but-still-too-young-crisis-that-causes-depression'
Why does no one believe me when I say I'm going to have depression soon?
(I think I already have a mild one. Everyone does.)

Sometimes I think I don't mind dying tomorrow because I'm not going to be able to make a difference in the world, or even make a name for myself. And then another part of me says shut up, I'm young and there is still time.
This part of me argues and says that why live when you're not even living as yourself, but the better part of me insists that the good times will come soon if I endure the tough periods.

It's tiring.  

Good night.
(P.S. I had a nice day at work today. My colleagues are nice. And most of the callers are polite. Today is considered a good day then. My butt hurts from sitting but it's okay. I have a rather small butt, I can afford for it to get fat. I will go jogging tomorrow morning so I can't die yet. I also haven't mastered the Rumpumpum dance. Must live!)
^ ^

National Day.

Today, it's National Day. Singapore's birthday. It's a happy occasion. Birthdays are supposed to be happy. Then why do I feel all bitter?
Maybe it's not the day that matters but the happenings, but, it's a public holiday. And it's National Day, I'm a Singaporean so I suppose it's kinda my birthday too.

I don't feel exactly proud. Or happy. Or blessed.

Maybe I ought to be satisfied with what I already have. Singapore's a safe country with tight security and fast rules. The only things that are not safe are all kept within closed doors.

What am I saying this time round? I don't know too. This is what came to my mind right now. Perhaps I get all emotional and sensitive at night when I pause in my steps. Seriously, what is wrong with me.

I always thought that the only things that can make me stress are things that should matter to me. For example, my future, my health and such things. But no. Here I am, being all stressed up on studies and all sorts of things that shouldn't matter to me.

Education is important. Hell yeah. But you don't always see millionaires being the most charitable people out there. University graduates aren't necessarily the smartest people. CEOs aren't the most forgivable people. And being leaders doesn't mean that they can lead others. Plenty of examples yet lots of people still don't understand.

You can be anything you are, holding the highest scholar certificate the universe can offer. But you forget, you're only human. Human don't live to study and compare IQs. Human live to love. To give and receive.

Who am I kidding? In 2014, humans live to buy things with the money they earn. They earn the money by climbing higher on the ladder. They climb the ladder by crushing whoever they think is not unworthy. The unworthy ones go on to crush someone even lower. And it goes on, because there will always be someone lower than you.

Why am I saying this again?
Ah yes. There is no point.
No point in acting like a saint and saying all these when I'll just wake up in the morning and do the exact same things that disgust me. And I will do these things in the future too.

What do I want to do in the future? Well, I don't know. Maybe work in an office with regular working hours and then head home. Repeat this for the rest of my life.
Is this what I want? No.
Can I do anything about this? No.
Then what's the point? There's no point.

Why do teachers in school like to ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Because it's stupid. You don't always get to do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what you want to do. Because your parents will decide for you. Society will choose your path. If you're lucky enough, you get to fulfil your wish. If you're not, then you'll be just like the majority. No questions asked.

Oh right. I'm ranting like this because I honestly do not want to study anymore. I don't mean it in a bad way. I just don't see the point. So, I get a degree and many more companies are willing to accept me. Then what? I interview for a job and I get the job and I report to work on Mondays. I get my hard earned salary and I spend it on food, transport and other stuff. I do this for the rest of my life until I get retrenched, retire or die. Is that it? I don't think so. It sounds so sad.

I'm not someone to simply live life like this. It's too... meaningless. I want to have fun. I want to experience new things and see things for myself. It might be tough but it makes me satisfied. I want that sense of achievement. I don't want a routine. I don't like routine. I want to wake up everyday with something new to do. It's like starting over each day. You become a baby once again and you learn again. I want something like that.

Then again, who am I kidding?

My parents obviously just want me to be a good girl just like everyone else. Go to work and go home. Bring back the money. Get rich if that's possible. Find a rich husband. Get married and have kids. No. That doesn't work for me. Not at all.

I'm just so frustrated and jealous when I see people fulfilling their dreams. It's like I'm not even given a chance to try for it. In a way, I'm caged up. Within the confines of unwanted security and safety. Damn it. I want to be in danger. I want to just go out there and see where I can go next.

Urgh. Is this really the age whereby I'm supposed to be thinking of such things everyday? Because it's not a nice feeling. This is mental breakdown. Like 멘붕(Men Boong).

Goodbye.
Happy Birthday Singaporeans.

The brutality of life

Two posts in a day. Hahaha I must be really doing some serious thinking right now. Ahhhh, as expected, it's much more comfortable typing in English. Chinese is just so time consuming and confusing.

Now, I'm just gonna rant about stupid things before going into serious mode again. So, let's start with Breadtalk. I just love their bread! I'm not someone who likes eating bread but really, their bread is the best! I can eat them everyday. Even my mom approves of them. You can leave the bread overnight and it won't turn hard or soggy. Totally awesome. Alright, someone out there, hire me as Breadtalk's spokesperson now! I can go on and on about the bread. Seriously, BREAD. Pudding bread is so tasty, whoever that hasn't tried it yet, I can only say that you're missing out on the delicious things in life. This is serious issue. Hah!

Pictures are out for EOY2014. It's in my FB. My mom is in love with my pictures. Guess I can take Yijing and my makeup skills for that. And she tells me to perm my hair like the wig. I think I should too! It's too pretty! I totally will. Someday. When I have time. Yeah man. I'm gonna buy extensions or maybe get a dip dye cause I have this sudden urge to. It's like those moments where you just wake up in the morning, all sleepy and lost, and then you have this urge to get something done. It's totally how I get my extra piercings. Few days ago, I just wake up and decided that I will get some colours on my hair. Yeah, and I'm going to do exactly that. It's like a hunch, if I don't do it, I feel like I will regret. So, why not? I'll take the chance. So far, my piercings are awesome. No regrets.

I ordered clothes on Taobao again! I'm developing a bad online shopping habit. I should stop. Although the clothes are cheap, they accumulate and... yeah. I'm earning now, but I shouldn't spend it so excessively right? But I want new clothes too! Since I dress up almost everyday... Argh. So tough being a girl. Girls are naturally vain. I'm becoming vain. Can someone out there sponsor me already? I need my own stylist.

Serious mode on..
I've been meaning to talk about this long ago, but I don't really want to open up my own wound. Today... well, no specific reason to do something silly like this, but I'm just rather free and I happen to remember and I totally want to dig my own grave, so here I go.

The meaning of EXes.
You don't need them in your life anymore. That's why there are exfriends, exboyfriends, exneighbour, exclassmates. Because you don't need them and you don't intend to keep them. It's sad to have such a status. Nobody wants to be forgotten and abandoned right?

If they're to remain in your life, they can be an exneighbour but you will introduce as your friend, or once exclassmate but now boyfriend. But no, with that darn ex in front, you're just history automatically. Do you get me?

It reminds me of my ex, somehow. (I secretly hope that he isn't reading this)
We could have lasted for very long if our dynamics were right. He's very sweet at times and a bomb at other times. I might have been a little stubborn and cold too. Guess it really works both ways.  We both don't give in. And that's why he's an ex, not the present.

Maybe if we meet now, things would have been different. Because I'm different. And he's different too. Alright, maybe we will still not match after all. What am I trying to say.

There is a saying: If you still care about your ex and want to be friends, it's either you're still in love or never in love.

I beg to differ.
Maybe I'm weird, but it's really not right to think that way. Although he's the past, as an acquaintance or maybe the me who still remembers, I will like to see him happy and well, or rather alive and kicking. Yes, we might have some differences and we fight and disagree, but he's still someone who created memories that can never be deleted and he once made me happy. It's rather cruel to completely erase someone isn't it? We tend to forget but we can never erase.

Maybe I wouldn't even acknowledge him when I see him, but it's still good to know that he's living. I don't know why some people curse or hate or try to kill their ex when they break up, but that's just wrong. I know that I sometimes say that my ex made me so so angry, but when I clear my head and calm down, I'm actually not feeling anything. 

People make wrong choices and we learn from the mistakes. Because we were once together, it taughtus not to find someone like that in the future. So... being together, in a way, is still kind of meaningful. I don't think it's a waste of time, it's just an experience, not entirely bad.

Perhaps it's just me being overly optimistic about life. (Such an irony as compared to my Chinese post which is full of sad bullcrap)

In any way, I'm glad we were together for a period and I'm happily single now. Although it really gets lonely sometimes. And no, I don't want to get back together with him. Don't misunderstand. Discussion closed.

Talking about this, there's this ex-friend too. Perhaps, ex-best friend. We were young, we were foolish and childish and things didn't go so well. I was an introvert, people thought I don't have feelings (that was so stupid on their part) and when they found out that I do, they were shocked. I mean, come on, I'm human too. But it's fine.

This friend, I used to bully. Alright, I was being an idiot and I didn't know why I did that. I didn't think she deserved the bully although she was rather mean to me, but there were enjoyable moments as well. I just don't know. I was too young that time. And an idiot too. Not exactly the smartest moment of my life.

I didn't like the fact that she wanted to outshine me. I didn't shine much, or at least I didn't think I did. I just hated the fact that there was unnecessary competition between us. I didn't try hard to compete although I'm not fond of losing, but she made it obvious. I didn't care about such things that time and I think I still don't care now. Thinking back on it made me kinda sick actually. If you want to win so badly and make me feel like a loser, so be it. You're not worth my time.

We could have been friends even till now if she was a little more... accommodating. She wants things her way. Sometimes I relent, sometimes I don't. I think I gave in most of the time and I secretly hated it. It's not like I didn't have a mindset of my own, I just found it redundant to force something on someone who was so self-absorbed. Maybe things will be much better if I just open my mouth and speak up. But I didn't. God knows why. Guess we just weren't meant to be friends.

I was sorry for joining in the bully, but at the same time, I'm not. Part of me thought that she kinda earned it because of how she roll, but I still know that it's the wrong thing to do. Bully is never right, no matter what the reason is. 

This is also why I tried to make it up to her by distancing myself from the bullies, who happened to be my closest friends, and spend more time with her, hanging out with her, making her talk to me more. It didn't go exactly as planned.

We were fine on the surface, but deep down, there was still resentment in her, a wall she didn't exactly demolish. It made her wary of me. She didn't completely trust me. I guess that's also the reason why she was so defensive and mean towards me.

Because she trusted me and I betrayed that trust, now, I can never get it back. It's punishment in a subtle way. I shouldn't complain. (Why am I so childish last time? Oh god.)

I used to resent her too. I lost my close friends in order to make it up to her. It hurts seeing your close friends hanging out without including you, and then you watch yourself slowly turning into a stranger. Someone who didn't matter anymore. And it hurts most when I remember us sharing the same dream and promising that we will fulfil it together. Guess that was just the kid in us talking. Reality is so cruel. And so were the people who left me behind. Who can I blame it on?

Anyway, she was mean to me although I was probably the only few who cared about her. I tried hard to make her happy. At least I thought I did. But well, the wound never did went away. She was hurt deeply, I think. Deep enough to not let her see that she was also hurting others.

She protected herself well, held herself high and made sure that no one else could surpass her. When someone did, she would push them down. That was what happened to me. If I was good, she had to be the best. There was no exception.

She liked being blunt and honest. But she missed the part where being brutally blunt can also hurt someone's feelings. She spoke what was on her mind and she failed to see many things. This was what made me angry. I was no saint but I watched my words. She had no right to bring me down like that. It wasn't fair.

I hung onto this kinda one-sided friendship, forcing myself to be more interesting and funny because she thought that I was a boring person. She said it to my face, it hurts. I don't know if she noticed my silence after that, but she said nothing.

I forced myself to be more open with her, when I'm a person who is reserved with my own feelings, just because she wanted me to be completely honest. Guess I became an easy target with my shield off and it triggered an attack.

I pretended to be the carefree person she wanted to believe, because she couldn't take on anymore burden that was not hers to carry. I took on hers and became her listening ear. I didn't find a set of ears that belonged to me.  

I was to contact her first, because she needed it, and I did. For a while, I initiated hang outs and friendly dates, until I stopped doing that and realised that she never intended to return the favour.

Just like that, I stopped trying and she didn't try, so we just lost contact. It only took a few short months for us to completely stop speaking to each other and it's just sad how this tiring friendship merely ended like that.

Did I mentioned that there were four people in the clique? Not just me and her? I was expected to make the effort to contact her like I was a desperate puppy begging for its owner's acceptance while she go on and make plans with other people in the clique. Willingly. Not caring if they initiate anything. Hell, I didn't sign up for this. So, I gave up quickly.

Maybe it's a pity. Maybe it's a relief. I thought, why do I have to keep toruring myself like this? Sure, I was happy when we hung out together, but after that, what was the exact meaning of this? Was I just someone who was obliged to accompany her like a lost puppy just because I made a mistake or was I someone who was considered a friend whereby we can share moments together? I don't know and I don't think I will ever want to find out. The truth hurts and I'm not prepared to get hurt again.

I used to say, I'm a loner. And it's true. Before I went to Poly, I didn't have any friends. I stuck to a few from my childhood and I can't even remember how I survived the few months of being alone. (Ah, I feel like I'm gonna tear up. Stupid, stupid.)

I don't know if I should be happy that she was an ex-friend. Couldn't figure out if the times we spent together was geniune or not. What if it was all just a pretense?  
I knew she talked about me behind my back, and I played a fool. I'm such a coward really.

It's been years since this whole fiasco and I still remembered every single thing that happened. I'm not angry or that hurt. I don't think I really want such a person in my life too. I just... don't know why I subjected myself to such a thing in the past.

I wish we would meet someday, and maybe I will laugh in her face for abandoning me the way she did. Because I'm sure I've already grown into the kind of friend she was looking for. Not exactly the perfect friend that someone can have, but at least a much better person now. Pity she didn't have the patience right? Oh god, I sound so mean right now. I better slap myself.

Despite saying this much, stupid me still goes to her blog to read up on her life, because one part of me that existed in my memories is curious on her wellbeing. Totally digging my own grave. What am I going to do with myself? Then, I get all worried when I find out that she isn't doing so well emotionally and then I reminded myself that she isn't my concern anymore. And then I feel proud because I have true friends now and she still hasn't found any. Then, I kick myself for feeling this way because it's just too mean. And this cycle continues until I forget.

I'm kinda disappointed because I really like her. Not the times when she's being mean, quite obviously, but she's quite good company sometimes. Okay, I still resent the times where she called me ugly cause that really did something to my ego and confidence, cause I thought she was pretty and you know how crushed you'll feel when someone supposedly pretty called you ugly but it's okay now. I'm pretty in my own way, whatever. I'm not ugly. Never ugly. I'm sooo sooo pretty. Drop dead gorgeous. (Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that, Trecia...)

This dumb long rant about two people who used to be so important to me. It's funny how both of them didn't manage to stay. Thank you for being part of my life, and now, you two will officially have the darn status of the EX.

I might sound like a victim and you will probably think that I'm trying to victimise myself. But in actual reality, we were just victims of the brutality of something called life.

Sitting in my own grave wondering what the hell did I just do to myself,
but at the same time I got something off my chest and I feel like a butterfly now,
with all the love,
Trecia.

人生，只不过如此。(Does it make sense?)

今天就用华文沟通吧。没有什么理由，就想这样做。。

这几个星期，我都在学华文。不是说我华文不好，就只是很多字不会读罢了。好，我承认，我的华文水准的确退步了不少。以前认为英语比较重要，那是我笨，现在却觉得擅长多一个语言并没有什么不好。所以现在要从新学习。如果连自己的国语都学不会，那么日文和韩文就更加不用说了。

最近在读一本书，因为痛，所以叫青春。
读了这本书后，感触很多，总觉得自己在浪费时间，没达到自己对自己设下的要救。不知道每天在干嘛。活了20年的我，没做过一件自己觉得自豪的事，真的不知道这20年的时间是怎么过的。

可能是因为家庭的关系，或者是活在一个败在金钱和势力下的环境里，自己的理想和想完成的事情都变得不那么重要。在这种世界里，只要用金钱，你就是王。只要有势力，别人都败在你脚下。好讨厌，好现实。人都变得不像人了。

我一直不明白别人怎么活。这种环境太悲哀，太没人情味，每个人都顾自己，很自私。
家里都一直为金钱的事情烦恼，因为在现在的世界，没金钱就等于什么都没有。谁还在乎亲情，友情和爱情。

亲情关系常常因为金钱而翻脸。友情因为金钱的背叛而成为敌人。爱情，如果你是个穷光蛋，那你将会是别人的最后选择。情，是什么东西? 谁有在乎了呢？

别说金钱的事，我觉得，住在这国家里，自己能给自己创造的机会很自然的，变得很小。在一个不能自由表达和发挥的国家里，能真正做出大事的人也很少吧。如果你和大众有任何不同，那你就是奇怪的，不合群的。不明白为什么不同就会被排斥，不同因该是特别，是一种勇气，值得鼓励的。但，还是算了吧，我是谁，有资格说这番话吗？自己还不是和大众一样，摆在这个不讲理的标准中。

一直想要突破，要逃离，但我能做到吗？

一个20岁的女孩，是要背负多少的责任，要为多少事情负责？活着不是为了完成自己的使命，而是为了完成别人的命令，那么活着的目的又是为了什么。我为什么听从别人为我设下的决定而不是自己盖造一个属于我的路。生命是我的，青春只有一次，如果不勇敢去打拼，那么还有谁能帮我。我才不做木偶，随便让人摆布。

写了这么长一段，也不知道自己在唠叨什么，心里有很多话要说，但不能说，不敢让人知道。做人好幸苦啊！大家加油吧！想做真么就去做吧！

岁月不留人，时间也不为任何人暂停。

-欣怡

Cosplaying.

Hello!

Apart from visiting my cousins, over the Hari Raya weekends and 'babysitting' the younger ones. EOY is the first fun I've had with my friends! I'm so glad I went. You really don't know how much you like spending time with your close friends until you actually met them. I guess that's why we're close right? Hahaha

Well, EOY 2014 was kind of... it's still fun and all, but I guess it lacked the hype it had last year. It wasn't packed and there were not many cosplayers. I blame it on the national day preview. Opps! I went on both days. Uh, Sunday was still alright. There were people around but I was too tired to really bother. The pictures are with Yijing and she hasn't uploaded them yet. But I'll post some of my favs! She worked really hard yo~ Arigato ne!

Finally got to try on the blonde wig. It was so cool. The curls are so nice. I wish my hair was like that. It's so... urgh! The perfect curls anyone can have! JEALOUS of a wig... Damn.

I met two of Yijing's friends. They're... uhh, nice people. The one I met on day 1 was plain funny. But he talks too softly. But he's funny. Like subconsciously funny. I like him. He's funny. Kinda awkward for the first 10 minutes we were left alone. But it got better towards the end. Funny.

The second one I met on the second day was... uh, nice. He doesn't talk to me much. And he laughs a lot. But he's nice. I'm surprised he wasn't bored of following us around. He practically does nothing the whole day. Isn't that boring? Hmm. Such patience.

It makes me happy to know that I've made someone happy and the happiness in me gets a tad happier. Understand?

Goodbye for now.
^ ^