National Day.

Today, it's National Day. Singapore's birthday. It's a happy occasion. Birthdays are supposed to be happy. Then why do I feel all bitter?
Maybe it's not the day that matters but the happenings, but, it's a public holiday. And it's National Day, I'm a Singaporean so I suppose it's kinda my birthday too.

I don't feel exactly proud. Or happy. Or blessed.

Maybe I ought to be satisfied with what I already have. Singapore's a safe country with tight security and fast rules. The only things that are not safe are all kept within closed doors.

What am I saying this time round? I don't know too. This is what came to my mind right now. Perhaps I get all emotional and sensitive at night when I pause in my steps. Seriously, what is wrong with me.

I always thought that the only things that can make me stress are things that should matter to me. For example, my future, my health and such things. But no. Here I am, being all stressed up on studies and all sorts of things that shouldn't matter to me.

Education is important. Hell yeah. But you don't always see millionaires being the most charitable people out there. University graduates aren't necessarily the smartest people. CEOs aren't the most forgivable people. And being leaders doesn't mean that they can lead others. Plenty of examples yet lots of people still don't understand.

You can be anything you are, holding the highest scholar certificate the universe can offer. But you forget, you're only human. Human don't live to study and compare IQs. Human live to love. To give and receive.

Who am I kidding? In 2014, humans live to buy things with the money they earn. They earn the money by climbing higher on the ladder. They climb the ladder by crushing whoever they think is not unworthy. The unworthy ones go on to crush someone even lower. And it goes on, because there will always be someone lower than you.

Why am I saying this again?
Ah yes. There is no point.
No point in acting like a saint and saying all these when I'll just wake up in the morning and do the exact same things that disgust me. And I will do these things in the future too.

What do I want to do in the future? Well, I don't know. Maybe work in an office with regular working hours and then head home. Repeat this for the rest of my life.
Is this what I want? No.
Can I do anything about this? No.
Then what's the point? There's no point.

Why do teachers in school like to ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Because it's stupid. You don't always get to do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what you want to do. Because your parents will decide for you. Society will choose your path. If you're lucky enough, you get to fulfil your wish. If you're not, then you'll be just like the majority. No questions asked.

Oh right. I'm ranting like this because I honestly do not want to study anymore. I don't mean it in a bad way. I just don't see the point. So, I get a degree and many more companies are willing to accept me. Then what? I interview for a job and I get the job and I report to work on Mondays. I get my hard earned salary and I spend it on food, transport and other stuff. I do this for the rest of my life until I get retrenched, retire or die. Is that it? I don't think so. It sounds so sad.

I'm not someone to simply live life like this. It's too... meaningless. I want to have fun. I want to experience new things and see things for myself. It might be tough but it makes me satisfied. I want that sense of achievement. I don't want a routine. I don't like routine. I want to wake up everyday with something new to do. It's like starting over each day. You become a baby once again and you learn again. I want something like that.

Then again, who am I kidding?

My parents obviously just want me to be a good girl just like everyone else. Go to work and go home. Bring back the money. Get rich if that's possible. Find a rich husband. Get married and have kids. No. That doesn't work for me. Not at all.

I'm just so frustrated and jealous when I see people fulfilling their dreams. It's like I'm not even given a chance to try for it. In a way, I'm caged up. Within the confines of unwanted security and safety. Damn it. I want to be in danger. I want to just go out there and see where I can go next.

Urgh. Is this really the age whereby I'm supposed to be thinking of such things everyday? Because it's not a nice feeling. This is mental breakdown. Like 멘붕(Men Boong).

Goodbye.
Happy Birthday Singaporeans.