Two posts in a day. Hahaha I must be really doing some serious thinking right now. Ahhhh, as expected, it's much more comfortable typing in English. Chinese is just so time consuming and confusing.
Now, I'm just gonna rant about stupid things before going into serious mode again. So, let's start with Breadtalk. I just love their bread! I'm not someone who likes eating bread but really, their bread is the best! I can eat them everyday. Even my mom approves of them. You can leave the bread overnight and it won't turn hard or soggy. Totally awesome. Alright, someone out there, hire me as Breadtalk's spokesperson now! I can go on and on about the bread. Seriously, BREAD. Pudding bread is so tasty, whoever that hasn't tried it yet, I can only say that you're missing out on the delicious things in life. This is serious issue. Hah!
Pictures are out for EOY2014. It's in my FB. My mom is in love with my pictures. Guess I can take Yijing and my makeup skills for that. And she tells me to perm my hair like the wig. I think I should too! It's too pretty! I totally will. Someday. When I have time. Yeah man. I'm gonna buy extensions or maybe get a dip dye cause I have this sudden urge to. It's like those moments where you just wake up in the morning, all sleepy and lost, and then you have this urge to get something done. It's totally how I get my extra piercings. Few days ago, I just wake up and decided that I will get some colours on my hair. Yeah, and I'm going to do exactly that. It's like a hunch, if I don't do it, I feel like I will regret. So, why not? I'll take the chance. So far, my piercings are awesome. No regrets.
I ordered clothes on Taobao again! I'm developing a bad online shopping habit. I should stop. Although the clothes are cheap, they accumulate and... yeah. I'm earning now, but I shouldn't spend it so excessively right? But I want new clothes too! Since I dress up almost everyday... Argh. So tough being a girl. Girls are naturally vain. I'm becoming vain. Can someone out there sponsor me already? I need my own stylist.
Serious mode on..
I've been meaning to talk about this long ago, but I don't really want to open up my own wound. Today... well, no specific reason to do something silly like this, but I'm just rather free and I happen to remember and I totally want to dig my own grave, so here I go.
The meaning of EXes.
You don't need them in your life anymore. That's why there are exfriends, exboyfriends, exneighbour, exclassmates. Because you don't need them and you don't intend to keep them. It's sad to have such a status. Nobody wants to be forgotten and abandoned right?
If they're to remain in your life, they can be an exneighbour but you will introduce as your friend, or once exclassmate but now boyfriend. But no, with that darn ex in front, you're just history automatically. Do you get me?
It reminds me of my ex, somehow. (I secretly hope that he isn't reading this)
We could have lasted for very long if our dynamics were right. He's very sweet at times and a bomb at other times. I might have been a little stubborn and cold too. Guess it really works both ways. We both don't give in. And that's why he's an ex, not the present.
Maybe if we meet now, things would have been different. Because I'm different. And he's different too. Alright, maybe we will still not match after all. What am I trying to say.
There is a saying: If you still care about your ex and want to be friends, it's either you're still in love or never in love.
I beg to differ.
Maybe I'm weird, but it's really not right to think that way. Although he's the past, as an acquaintance or maybe the me who still remembers, I will like to see him happy and well, or rather alive and kicking. Yes, we might have some differences and we fight and disagree, but he's still someone who created memories that can never be deleted and he once made me happy. It's rather cruel to completely erase someone isn't it? We tend to forget but we can never erase.
Maybe I wouldn't even acknowledge him when I see him, but it's still good to know that he's living. I don't know why some people curse or hate or try to kill their ex when they break up, but that's just wrong. I know that I sometimes say that my ex made me so so angry, but when I clear my head and calm down, I'm actually not feeling anything.
People make wrong choices and we learn from the mistakes. Because we were once together, it taughtus not to find someone like that in the future. So... being together, in a way, is still kind of meaningful. I don't think it's a waste of time, it's just an experience, not entirely bad.
Perhaps it's just me being overly optimistic about life. (Such an irony as compared to my Chinese post which is full of sad bullcrap)
In any way, I'm glad we were together for a period and I'm happily single now. Although it really gets lonely sometimes. And no, I don't want to get back together with him. Don't misunderstand. Discussion closed.
Talking about this, there's this ex-friend too. Perhaps, ex-best friend. We were young, we were foolish and childish and things didn't go so well. I was an introvert, people thought I don't have feelings (that was so stupid on their part) and when they found out that I do, they were shocked. I mean, come on, I'm human too. But it's fine.
This friend, I used to bully. Alright, I was being an idiot and I didn't know why I did that. I didn't think she deserved the bully although she was rather mean to me, but there were enjoyable moments as well. I just don't know. I was too young that time. And an idiot too. Not exactly the smartest moment of my life.
I didn't like the fact that she wanted to outshine me. I didn't shine much, or at least I didn't think I did. I just hated the fact that there was unnecessary competition between us. I didn't try hard to compete although I'm not fond of losing, but she made it obvious. I didn't care about such things that time and I think I still don't care now. Thinking back on it made me kinda sick actually. If you want to win so badly and make me feel like a loser, so be it. You're not worth my time.
We could have been friends even till now if she was a little more... accommodating. She wants things her way. Sometimes I relent, sometimes I don't. I think I gave in most of the time and I secretly hated it. It's not like I didn't have a mindset of my own, I just found it redundant to force something on someone who was so self-absorbed. Maybe things will be much better if I just open my mouth and speak up. But I didn't. God knows why. Guess we just weren't meant to be friends.
I was sorry for joining in the bully, but at the same time, I'm not. Part of me thought that she kinda earned it because of how she roll, but I still know that it's the wrong thing to do. Bully is never right, no matter what the reason is.
This is also why I tried to make it up to her by distancing myself from the bullies, who happened to be my closest friends, and spend more time with her, hanging out with her, making her talk to me more. It didn't go exactly as planned.
We were fine on the surface, but deep down, there was still resentment in her, a wall she didn't exactly demolish. It made her wary of me. She didn't completely trust me. I guess that's also the reason why she was so defensive and mean towards me.
Because she trusted me and I betrayed that trust, now, I can never get it back. It's punishment in a subtle way. I shouldn't complain. (Why am I so childish last time? Oh god.)
I used to resent her too. I lost my close friends in order to make it up to her. It hurts seeing your close friends hanging out without including you, and then you watch yourself slowly turning into a stranger. Someone who didn't matter anymore. And it hurts most when I remember us sharing the same dream and promising that we will fulfil it together. Guess that was just the kid in us talking. Reality is so cruel. And so were the people who left me behind. Who can I blame it on?
Anyway, she was mean to me although I was probably the only few who cared about her. I tried hard to make her happy. At least I thought I did. But well, the wound never did went away. She was hurt deeply, I think. Deep enough to not let her see that she was also hurting others.
She protected herself well, held herself high and made sure that no one else could surpass her. When someone did, she would push them down. That was what happened to me. If I was good, she had to be the best. There was no exception.
She liked being blunt and honest. But she missed the part where being brutally blunt can also hurt someone's feelings. She spoke what was on her mind and she failed to see many things. This was what made me angry. I was no saint but I watched my words. She had no right to bring me down like that. It wasn't fair.
I hung onto this kinda one-sided friendship, forcing myself to be more interesting and funny because she thought that I was a boring person. She said it to my face, it hurts. I don't know if she noticed my silence after that, but she said nothing.
I forced myself to be more open with her, when I'm a person who is reserved with my own feelings, just because she wanted me to be completely honest. Guess I became an easy target with my shield off and it triggered an attack.
I pretended to be the carefree person she wanted to believe, because she couldn't take on anymore burden that was not hers to carry. I took on hers and became her listening ear. I didn't find a set of ears that belonged to me.
I was to contact her first, because she needed it, and I did. For a while, I initiated hang outs and friendly dates, until I stopped doing that and realised that she never intended to return the favour.
Just like that, I stopped trying and she didn't try, so we just lost contact. It only took a few short months for us to completely stop speaking to each other and it's just sad how this tiring friendship merely ended like that.
Did I mentioned that there were four people in the clique? Not just me and her? I was expected to make the effort to contact her like I was a desperate puppy begging for its owner's acceptance while she go on and make plans with other people in the clique. Willingly. Not caring if they initiate anything. Hell, I didn't sign up for this. So, I gave up quickly.
Maybe it's a pity. Maybe it's a relief. I thought, why do I have to keep toruring myself like this? Sure, I was happy when we hung out together, but after that, what was the exact meaning of this? Was I just someone who was obliged to accompany her like a lost puppy just because I made a mistake or was I someone who was considered a friend whereby we can share moments together? I don't know and I don't think I will ever want to find out. The truth hurts and I'm not prepared to get hurt again.
I used to say, I'm a loner. And it's true. Before I went to Poly, I didn't have any friends. I stuck to a few from my childhood and I can't even remember how I survived the few months of being alone. (Ah, I feel like I'm gonna tear up. Stupid, stupid.)
I don't know if I should be happy that she was an ex-friend. Couldn't figure out if the times we spent together was geniune or not. What if it was all just a pretense?
I knew she talked about me behind my back, and I played a fool. I'm such a coward really.
It's been years since this whole fiasco and I still remembered every single thing that happened. I'm not angry or that hurt. I don't think I really want such a person in my life too. I just... don't know why I subjected myself to such a thing in the past.
I wish we would meet someday, and maybe I will laugh in her face for abandoning me the way she did. Because I'm sure I've already grown into the kind of friend she was looking for. Not exactly the perfect friend that someone can have, but at least a much better person now. Pity she didn't have the patience right? Oh god, I sound so mean right now. I better slap myself.
Despite saying this much, stupid me still goes to her blog to read up on her life, because one part of me that existed in my memories is curious on her wellbeing. Totally digging my own grave. What am I going to do with myself? Then, I get all worried when I find out that she isn't doing so well emotionally and then I reminded myself that she isn't my concern anymore. And then I feel proud because I have true friends now and she still hasn't found any. Then, I kick myself for feeling this way because it's just too mean. And this cycle continues until I forget.
I'm kinda disappointed because I really like her. Not the times when she's being mean, quite obviously, but she's quite good company sometimes. Okay, I still resent the times where she called me ugly cause that really did something to my ego and confidence, cause I thought she was pretty and you know how crushed you'll feel when someone supposedly pretty called you ugly but it's okay now. I'm pretty in my own way, whatever. I'm not ugly. Never ugly. I'm sooo sooo pretty. Drop dead gorgeous. (Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that, Trecia...)
This dumb long rant about two people who used to be so important to me. It's funny how both of them didn't manage to stay. Thank you for being part of my life, and now, you two will officially have the darn status of the EX.
I might sound like a victim and you will probably think that I'm trying to victimise myself. But in actual reality, we were just victims of the brutality of something called life.
Sitting in my own grave wondering what the hell did I just do to myself,
but at the same time I got something off my chest and I feel like a butterfly now,
with all the love,
Trecia.
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