Rants.

Hey I'm back for another round of ranting.
I don't normally rant so much in a month, but it seems like stress caught up and I can't just brush it off and pretend nothing happened.

I might be sensitive over certain words, even meaningless things that people blabber unknowingly, but there is a saying- Words mean something, even if they're just useless blabbers. If they don't think that way, they wouldn't have said it. So, there's still some truth in it.

Yes yes. Whatever nonsense I'm going to write... is probably the same old things that I'm stress about most of the time. Can't I just get an instant relief already? There's a limitation to tolerance, you know.

I actually forgot half the things I've originally wanted to rant about. I don't know why my thoughts are more organised in the shower. But never mind...

So, my mom asked me- "Have you ever thought that there're still a lot of things that you haven't tried out/experienced yet?" In such a serious tone, I thought I was getting lucky suddenly. Wow, why is my mom concerned about my experiences in life? Does she think that I'm living too casually and wants a change? So happy at the chance to express myself, I jumped in and said yes.

And then, the bomb came. "So, you want to try washing your own clothes? Other people your age are already doing that. My cousin goes to work everyday and still comes home to wash her own clothes and wash the floor and do housework." The nag goes on.

Can I just simply say that my hopes were crushed?
I don't know about other people, but washing clothes and doing housework are certainly not part of my plans in the 'Things-to-do-before-I-die list'. Certainly not. Ever will be.

I mean, okay, I'm not exactly the most responsible or hardworking girl on Earth when it comes to household chores, but hey! Which sane 20 year old will want to include washing clothes as something they want to experience? COME ON. LOGIC PLEASE.

I was thinking of something along the lines of travelling the world, bungee jumping etc. You know things like this, sane 20 year olds who are about to venture into the actual world, will confirm think about. Household chores? Hmm. I think it's not too late if I start thinking about it when I get menopause. Yeah, not too late at all.

See my frustration? I don't know why my mom thinks it's normal to set doing household chores as a goal in life. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS OUT THERE THAN TO BECOME A SLAVE OR WASHING MACHINE. SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE CLEANING TO THE WASHING MACHINE. IT'S A WASHING MACHINE FOR A REASON. YO, MOM.

Well...  I should just stop thinking about this right? It's silly. Very very silly over something like this. Then again, if you're not in my position, you won't understand my concerns.

And I also do not understand why my mom wants me to wash clothes but absolutely refuses to let me cook. Hey, yo, look here. Cooking is more important right? So you won't starve to death. You won't die from dirty clothes piling up. At most, you just don't have clean clothes or underwear to wear. That's all.

Hey, but no. Cooking is dangerous. I might set the house on fire. Okay? So, I'm old enough to wash my own clothes but not to cook. I see the logic there. Totally. I can't drown myself in detergent while washing clothes right?

Honestly, I like cooking. It gives you the satisfaction of tasting your own creation. People who cook should understand this very well. But no. Cooking is dangerous. I will set the house on fire and the whole block. Everyone will die! I totally understand the worry. TOTALLY.

My parents don't know how to take care of the house. They think that washing the dishes, windows and floor is considered taking care. They're so wrong.

Frustrated.

I also don't know why the hell my parents are rushing me to apply for my uni program. You can't even give me a definite answer whether you have the capability to pay for the school fees and you want me to just go and study there? What if we run out of money? We loan from the bank? Or  I sell my organs on the bloack market? Huh? Seriously. Adults are just. Just so. Hmm. And the point is, I do know you don't have the capability to pay up. For the whole two years. What can I say huh?
I have no rights in the house anyway. I should just cook and let it burn.

People always say, you shouldn't be with people who brings you down. It's not good for you. They will demotivate you so that you won't see the potential in yourself and then you won't be able to perform to your best. It's not looking down tho, it's a different kind.

Again. My mom. She. Umm. Well... isn't good for me. Quite honestly.
She never fails to make me feel like a useless piece of thing that doesn't deserve any praise or whatever. She blocks my potential. Completely. Since I was young and obedient and stupid.

When I was way younger, in primary school, I liked performing a lot. I joined CCAs like choir, band and even this skipping club which often have special performances on stage. I was a shy kid but I like the feeling of being on stage. It makes me feel special.

I asked to join a dance class. I got enrolled, not into the hip hop class that I wanted, but a Chinese dance class which was an absolute waste of time. All we did was stretch. Which till now, I can't do a proper split. So great.

I tried asking for the same thing few years later. But no. Mom said I didn't have the time (studies and more studies) and dance is only an option. Not important. Fine. So be it. I wanted to join dance in secondary but I had an operation not long ago and I was taken out even before I could do the tryouts. Life is unfair.

I like dancing. It makes me happy. And unnecessarily confident.

I joined band because I like music. When the whole band plays a song together and it actually sounds good, you get satisfied. Like wow, how can 40 people play in harmony together? It brings people together when we play. It's like, there's no differences between instruments, everyone sound good and the time spent is worth it. I'm sure everyone felt that way. I used to loath going to practice because it's a burden and it lasts too long. But after every performance, I feel like I can burst. Feelin like 'Wow. We did it. Practice paid off. Finally.'  And everyone look good in the uniform too. Bonus.

Apart from the clarinet, I can safely say that I'm not good at any other instruments. I learnt piano when I was 4/5 but I stopped when I moved to Singapore. Can I just say that Singapore ruined my life? Hah. We couldn't afford a piano in our house, my parents said. I call bullshit, I own an electric piano right now, your arguments are invalid. Playing by ear and learning from tutorials takes a lot of time, but I'll find a way out.

Because I was young and I didn't know how to fight for my rights, many opportunities were lost. I could have been a grade 5 or 6 like my cousins if I've continued learning. But no, I stopped at grade 1. Sad reality. What the hell is grade one man? I can't even play smoothly without thinking where to place my fingers next. Damn.

I guess I just like performing or things that are music related. I wanted to learn the drums. Mom said no, it's a boys thing. Fine. I didn't get to learn my drums. But I went over to my friend's house and tried it out before. Let's just say that I can read the score and play a simple bar. Imagine if I actually went for lessons. I just made myself depressed.

Then, I wanted to get a flute. But, of course, no. Because I've only tried it once. During band practice. With my friend's flute. Secretly. It wasn't hard but I still have a lot to learn. Mom said no. I'm just wanting to learn on impulse. Well, let me tell you, it wasn't an impulse. I get sad when I see people playing the flute because that should be me too. I guess kids don't have a lot of say in life huh? All you have to do is just study and get good results.

I wanted to learn how to play a guitar too. But honestly, out of all the instruments that I've tried, guitar is the hardest for me. My fingers hurt too much and I'm not coordinated enough to strum properly. But I got a guitar. I don't know. Why do I get to do things my way when it's the wrong choice? Such an irony really. What should I do?

This is why till now, I haven't mastered anything. Who can I blame it on? I'm keen to learn but denied the chance to. Now that I can make my own choices, I don't have time or extra cash. Can I blame someone for this? I'll seriously go crazy.

Since I get a choice, I'm learning dance my own way. Through videos. Just mimicking dancers' moves. Not the real thing but close enough. Memorising steps and going through tutorials one by one. I still can't do a full split (although I get really really close on good days) and I don't know how to moonwalk or do a proper arm wave or do popping or locking or whatever dance terms exist out there. But I'm learning. Although I don't have the space to do so. I mostly just dance in my room. Like a pathetic closet dancer. Well, I'm not a very good dancer, but I'm not bad. I memorise dance steps fast.

What was my point again? Why am I suddenly bragging away?
Ah, yes. People blocking my potential and choices in life. Yes. Yes.

I ought to keep away. But you can never escape your own family right?

Waves of tsunami depression heading your way.

Anyway, saying so much. It's not like anything will chance if I don't do anything.
But what can I do?
Run away?
Seriously. There is no solution to this. Talking doesn't work since no one listens.
Leaving is the only way I can think of. But it's also an act of cowardice.
Nothing can be done isn't it?
So, I'm just ranting away.
Tomorrow, I'll still be thinking the same thoughts.
Wondering what the hell I've been doing.
Wishing for an escape from this endless nonsense in life.

Because I only live as Trecia once, I need to make the most out of this life.
What is this man.
People have mid-life crisis.
I have this new disease called 'old-enough-but-still-too-young-crisis-that-causes-depression'
Why does no one believe me when I say I'm going to have depression soon?
(I think I already have a mild one. Everyone does.)

Sometimes I think I don't mind dying tomorrow because I'm not going to be able to make a difference in the world, or even make a name for myself. And then another part of me says shut up, I'm young and there is still time.
This part of me argues and says that why live when you're not even living as yourself, but the better part of me insists that the good times will come soon if I endure the tough periods.

It's tiring.  

Good night.
(P.S. I had a nice day at work today. My colleagues are nice. And most of the callers are polite. Today is considered a good day then. My butt hurts from sitting but it's okay. I have a rather small butt, I can afford for it to get fat. I will go jogging tomorrow morning so I can't die yet. I also haven't mastered the Rumpumpum dance. Must live!)
^ ^