Just me, living like myself.

It's midnight.
Is this the time where you have those really troubled thoughts? It's usually like this for people who can't sleep early at night right? You don't party it away. You just sit there and think about what's going on with your life. And how pathetic you are.

That's happening right now, to me. (Listening to Little Mix. Oh yeah~ They're so good.)
I once said, this blog lets me rant, if not, I'll just get depression on day. Well, I guess I need a counsellor too. I need real advise, just ranting is sometimes not enough. I think I might have minor depression. I heard that all people who are interested in music, are a little depressed inside. Because music is a healing element by itself. It seems quite true. If not, how do composers write ballads and love songs? They're all depressed. Hahaha. What am I saying.

So, I am pretty troubled. And... the culprit is none other than... drum roll... parents. No, they don't abuse me or starve me. Just.. the mental stress of dealing with them is... Harvard standard tough. My dad is a typical Singaporean. By that, I meant all sorts of bad habits a lot of Singaporean uncles have. Gambling. First off, my family used to be well off. But now we're not. (I think we're poor as hell now. Not that poor, but also not enough to be considered surviving pretty well in my standards.) My dad gambles like he's the richest man on Earth. He can spend a few hundred dollars on horse racing (I don't see the fun in horse racing). I mean, come one, the stupid horse can run at whatever speed it wants right? There's no point betting on them. They're just horses!They probably don't even know why they're running. Urgh. My concept is- No money, don't gamble. You can't bloody hell feed yourself, so don't go feed your bad habits.

Why is my dad spending excessvie money my concern? Oh yes, it's because he claimed that he doesn't have enough money for my studies! Okay, it's my education, my problem. But hey, you're the dad. You're supposed to be responsible for me. I can't pay for tuition fees by working part time right? You have to pay first. Then I'll pay you back next time. But.. /sarcastic laughter. He told me straight off, he doesn't have enough. Well, then what? Don't study anymore?  I don't know what he's thinking. In my eyes, he's just becoming plain selfish. (Yes yes, judge me. I know he raised me. But you don't know the behind story.) He rather gamble his money away than use it on my education. And then, he wishes to retire. This is the funniest joke I've ever heard. He's no millionaire or very old. Why the hell is he retiring for? To enjoy the good old retirement days? With no money? JOKE OF THE YEAR. Selfish is all I can think of. And I can bet my life on this- Once he retires, the only thing he will do is to gamble. I ain't even gonna be surprised if one day I'll have loan sharks knocking on my door or the bank confiscating my house. Ain't even surprised anymore.

Dad used to be cool. He changed a lot. It changed my family's dynamics. I still hated his so-called friend who made him lose his factory. I hate him for ruining my life indirectly. I hate him for being selfish. I hate him for turning my dad into this person now. He's a coward now. That friend shall not be forgiven and I don't want to ever see him. (Because I will set him on fire.)

I had a hard time growing up. Money was an issue. But it is still plenty to get by. The emotional stress caused is not a joke. I'm surprised I'm still smiling. Maybe I know better that's why I laugh at every single little thing. Laughter is a cure for everything negative right? I should laugh more.

My parents quarrel too much. I hate to heard them quarrel. I mean, who likes it right? It's rather hurtful although it's none of my business. All couples quarrel. When I was younger, I had thoughts of telling them to divorce. Because I thought that I'll be happier. That was a kiddy thought.

For my whole life, I've never been on a holiday with my dad. Not on a plane once together. No going overseas with him. I don't know. Maybe he has always been this selfish ever since he was born. Because it runs in his genes. I honestly don't like his side of the family very much. I don't belong with them anyway. It doesn't matter. So people click and some don't, it's pretty normal.

We stopped going out for weekly dinners since 2008. We basically stopped going out as a family and we stopped eating together as a family. It's a joke. Really. It was sad in the beginning. But as time past, it's just normal. I'm numb to it already. I'll just take it that dad doesn't like eating outside anymore. People changed, it's common in humans.

I guess, in Singapore, where dynamics change fast, people change even faster.

Now, to my mom. Oh, she's absolutely awesome. She's the one that's raising me ever since Dad stopped being a dad. She's taking care of me so much, it's getting insufferable. I'm complaining because I'm not the only one who thinks it's insufferable. Everyone thinks that way and she's the only one who still doesn't see it. Because she only sees herself. (Why does this sound like a selfish case too? Are humans just born selfish or what?)

Nagging is common in all mothers. All mothers nag. It's normal. But excessive nagging is just... no. Some things are... there's no need to nag over it. I've become a joke just because she keeps telling me to drink water. In front of my relatives, my friends, everyone. So I just grew up with everyone making a joke out of me and telling me to drink water. Mimicking my mom's tone. Funny, I agree. But annoying sometimes, when it's repeated for my whole life. The joke gets old and then it's not funny anymore. But now, it's hilarious to me, because she does things that are more insufferable now. That joke, is a joke itself when I compare. That's how bad it is. (Reminder: I'm 20 this year. I don't need anyone to remind me that I need water to hydrate myself.)

She controls my sleeping time. Every night, it's the same old thing. This didn't happen in the past. It only started this year. Is this a sign of menopause? Or did she actually think that I'm ageing backwards? I have a bloody sleeping curfew now! I have to be asleep by 11pm! Damn. I didn't sleep so early when I was in secondary school! I'm not saying that it's a bad nag. I mean, yeah, it's really controlling but sleeping early is good for health. But... I really don't need a sleeping curfew. When I can't sleep, I just can't. There's no point in lying down and staring into the dark. I'm wasting my life. I rather be sitting somewhere reading or writing some stuff. Pretty useful don't you think? And then, as if telling me what time to sleep isn't enough, she goes on to tell me to brush my teeth! I'm not three! I know I have to brush my teeth before I sleep! In fact, I take care of my teeth seriously! So, why? (I feel like crying already.) I have no idea why she always yells at me to go brush my teeth... Maybe it's more auspicious to brush at certain timings. I keep telling myself that. Ain't fooling no one.

This will go on forever I swear. There're just so many ridiculous things my mom does. I can't even...

Oh. She doesn't listen. To anyone. At all. She only does things her own way and listen to herself. I think that this is the root of all issues I have with her. If only she listen right? I keep telling myself that too, but one can only dream. Maybe the problem with speakers is that they never do listen. My mom is a true speaker. She can go on for hours. It's really... noisy.

She doesn't listen to me. At all. Even when I'm pleading for her to listen. She just wants to say her piece of mind and leave. It has always been this way. So everytime we quarrel or reason things out, I'm at the losing end. When she talks, I have to be quiet and reply her questions. But when I talk, wow, interruptions, denied questions and more scoldings. I guess she'll never listen to what I have to say. Be it verbal, expressions or body language. None. I'll just keep dreaming my fat dream. It's not that hard to listen, you just have to shut up. Simple.

Let's not mention the others things she does. It's getting really depressing now.  I'll just take it that I'm a joke and a chess piece for her to play around with. No feelings involved.

My graduation, honestly speaking, was a major disappointment. I already said, I was so glad that my cousin was with me. But my mom, maybe no. I was regretting a little for inviting her, but I would just be labelled as unfifial if I didn't. So, yeah, I did and I kinda regretted it. Graduation is supposed to be happy and all rainbows. Because you go through all that shit to get a certificate and a hand shake from... I don't even know who the man is. The principal or something? Then, you go eat some refreshments and mingle with your friends a little.

Well, that was all done. And then... shit happened. I had trouble finding most of my friends. I couldn't take pictures with all of them. And my tutors appeared only later on, so I didn't get a picture with any of them. It was sad. I wanted a few pictures for memory sake. But, yeah. My mom happened.

I don't know why she was so in a hurry to go off. She just made me eat horrible refreshment food, I couldn't even bring them to try out the student café which I've already told her the night before that I would bring them to go try because they have nice pastry. No, forgotten.

When I was taking pictures and trying to find my friends, she kept telling me to go return my robe. Go see the graduation picture. Go get my card. Go buy the picture. Go return the robe. Come, let's go already. I'm just speechless at the whole situation. This is my graduation, don't I at least get to take a few pictures and mingle a little? It's such a rare gathering. Well, fat hope once again. I had to rush.
So, I seriously took one picture with each of my friends, returned my robe, took my card, bought the picture frame and left. The more angry thing was, when I actually went to return the robe, she asked me "You don't want to stay longer? I thought you wanted to take pictures" Is she really saying that now? Is she toying with me? Who was the one who wanted to leave? I really felt like I got played.

She never did realised that I was wearing a pokerface. Couldn't even bring myself to smile. And it's supposed to be joyous. Well, never mind. Can't find the strength in me to be sad. What am I supposed to feel anyway? Then, what was more ridiculous? I finally told her how I felt today and she just replied that she didn't know. She said that I should have told her. Imagine my face when I heard that.

It was all "What? You don't know?! How can you not know? It was written all over my face!" I thought it was something you don't have to say it out loud. Expressions, body language. If you're frowning, you're probably not happy. If you're smiling, you're happy. Okay, so maybe a pokerface is hard to tell, but it's not that hard right? I'm your daughter, you've known me for my whole life. I happily gave you tickets to my graduation, then I wore a pokerface around. Isn't it obvious something is wrong? Alright. Case closed. I can literally murder people if this goes on.

Disappointment is such a norm now that I don't even feel much. Just a little of annoyance, a little of sadness and a little pathetic. I have to just deal with it.
I can't type anymore. Not if she doesn't see what I have to say. There's no point. I just want her to stop meddling in things that aren't necessary and just shut up for once to listen. That's all.
(I never liked myself but I don't know where my confidence came from.)

Trecia has overwhelming mental stress,
she needs a break,
and she is glad she doesn't have silblings.

Good night everyone.